Tears and Sadness

Okay, so seeing that I am totally out of tears now!-- I am in UTAH! I don't think there have been many things in my life that were harder than saying goodbye to the Pags. WOW... that was so difficult. I had good kids. As much as sometimes I struggled with them, and fought with them... they are good kids. And I love them and will miss them so very much. It is a good thing I am coming back in September. WOW.... I think I would have come completely unglued if that were not the case.

Here I am in Utah... while my heart still resides in Connecticut.

And dear Mother, I remind me of you...

I turned 31 today.

I often think what my mother would have said on a day like this. Turning 31, not married. Not dating anyone. I wonder if she would be disappointed. Or if she would understand. I wonder if she would be in awe of what I have gone through in the course of 7 years and come out as well as I did.

I wonder if we would have lunch like we used to on my birthday. We would sit and talk. About anything really. School, work, and things going on at church or just.. about music or a movie. I was just about to turn 23 when she died. This will be my 8th year without her. And yet, some days I can still hear her laughter in the back of my memory. I can see what she looks like. I can see her eyes. I can actually see her eyes every time I look in the mirror. I sometimes wonder if she misses things about me. And I wonder whose loss was greater? Hers or mine? I live my life here without a mother to call and chat with, and she lives a life on the other side of a veil without her daughter. So, who's loss is greater?

I have a whole new beginning this birthday. And I wonder what 31 will bring.

Love means all things sparkly...

So.. last night I had such a great surprise! I had fireworks on my birthday. So great... so fun! Wonderful! I had just a great night. It is how you know that you are loved. It is things like that-- that make things great in life. I know that it is time to move and I know it is time to have new challenges for myself. New environment, and just... come into my own. It is time to face old demons and get past one.

And most of all... it is time to remember that I had my own fireworks on my birthday.

things I'll miss

This is probably one of the cutest things ever!! I had to post it...

It's so easy loving green...

Do you know my favorite color? It's green. I love love love green. (I read once if you say something 3 times, you really really really mean it!) and do you know what color I see when I look out the window here in my lovely Connecticut? GREEN!! I am going to miss that more than I can say. But I am lucky-- where I am moving to.. it is up on the mountain. And there are beautiful trees there too. Along with an amazing view of Salt Lake. I feel like that is kind of a blessing... that way I don't miss Wilton as much as I could.

I am coming back to Wilton on the 20th of September. WOO HOO!! I am glad.. Madeleine's birthday is the 20th and she said all she wanted was for me to be here. So.. back on a plane I go. Only-- she doesn't know! I love the Pags!

a donkey on the edge...

I have 2 weeks left and I feel ... anxious, sad, lonely, upset, excited, nervous. ALL AT THE SAME TIME!! I can't sleep at night because I feel so anxious. And then the next day I am physically and emotionally and mentally exhausted. I can't imagine what it will be like to have this over with! I am so sad to leave here.. but on the other hand I just want to start because I just need to mentally "regroup".

I am realizing that the past few posts on here have been a bit of sadness and complaining. :) sorry...

I am really looking forward to just being in Utah. And having family around. I am looking forward to having a new ward.. and meeting new people. I am looking forward to a new area, and new kids.

I am looking forward to having a temple close and not having to drive into NYC to go. :)

I am looking forward to sleeping at this point!!

When will I find MY "Edward"?

Breaking Dawn-the final instalment of the Twilight series- has been released. I remember thinking, back in January, that I couldn't wait until I could find out if Bella really does marry Edward. And if he really does bite her. And here I am-- I know the answers to both of those questions. :) (promise, no spoilers!)

It is odd how at the age of almost 31, I have just become completely smitten with a fictional character. Not only that, but a vampire. I hate vampires! But here I am! completely in love with one. I tease my friends that he was meant for me... and someday, my Edward will come. (sigh)

I have 2 1/2 weeks left here in the Pagliaro household. I finally broke down and bought boxes. They are nicely leaning against my wall-- with nothing in them. I am just waiting for that damn packing fairy to come and fill them. But someone told me that they don't exist. Which, by the way, is not fair! Sometimes a girl just needs a fairy! :)

I have started to say good bye to friends... and that is hard dang it! I don't like it. But it makes it a bit easier to think that they are from Utah, and it is just a matter of time before we run into each other. THANK GOODNESS. Saying goodbye isn't my idea of a good time.

So close my blog today with...

Goodbye my dear sweet Edward. And goodbye to my dear sweet friends...