Word to the wise...

So... I thought I would give you all a fair warning. Do not cross train tracks when the warning lights are flashing. The police get mad. Also, when the cop asks you if you "took a class before you got your licence, because that is where you would have learned that law." Make sure you don't answer him with " do you know the Pythagorean theorem? Because you should have taken a class in 7th grade to learn that". Oops. Apparently I should keep my inner New Yorker to myself. :)

I Believe

As you all know, I am a nanny. I nanny 3 children ages 5,4 & 2. Tonight, for the first time in their young little lives, I showed them The Polar Express. What a magical experience for them! We have been gearing up for this event/evening for 2 weeks now, and tonight was their night. I went and bought the book, and have been reading it at bed time every night for those 2 weeks. The first time I read it, it was like a little light came on in their eyes. It was the cutest thing!
So tonight, we watched the movie. We made Christmas cookies (for Santa of course!) We turned out the lights each child on the edge of the bed... waiting to hear the story that I have been reading to them for weeks. And as the Polar Express pulls in front of the boys house-- each child was entranced. And my 2 year old turned to me and said in a whisper: "Tata, Choo Choo train". And his mouth made the shape of a perfect sized "O".
They got a little nervous with the whole ice problem that the train had. The two older ones shouting at the screen "Hold on!"
As the movie comes to a close, and as the boy puts the bell into his pocket, Sophia says to him "Don't put it in there, your robe has a hole, remember!?" If only he had heard her, it would have saved him the heartache on the ride home. And when he rings the bell on Christmas morning, Alexandre said "Tara, there is magic in this room do you see it?"
And for him, there was magic in the room. And there was magic in the room for me, too.
I couldn't help but feel the magic of Christmas tonight. It was a wonderful gift for me. If you haven't seen this movie for a while, I encourage you to grab a young person, and watch it with them. By the end...you'll "believe" too.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

P.S. 2 hours after I put Alexandre to bed, there was a knock at my door. "Tara? I think I hear the Polar Express outside, should I get on?" ......... Magic

Something to take note of...

What is it about getting little unexpected notes that make you smile until your face hurts? Notes that are left on your car, or perhaps on the counter in the kitchen right by your keys?

I remember my dad leaving my mom notes on the kitchen counter. He would sign it "W". I always thought it was cute. He didn't do it very often, but often enough for me to remember.

When I was in High School my boyfriend left me notes in my locker. I looked forward to them every day. He taught piano lessons in the evening, and in between lessons, would write me a note, and then next morning slip in through the vent on my locker. I loved opening the door every morning and having that little folded up paper fall out. It was a happy moment for me. I still have one of the notes he left. I keep it in my wallet still to this day. I would say that it is probably 14 years old. (I hope he doesn't read this blog... that would be embarrassing!)

I had a friend in college that would leave notes on my car or taped to my apartment door. I still have all of those too. Those meant the world to me at the time.

I used to leave notes in my Madeleine's lunch box. I loved doing it. Because I know that when she opened her lunch that day, she got a smile. I used to leave notes on the outside of Alex's brown bags for his lunch. I miss that.

Just remember to "take note" of those that mean the most to you.

Seriously?... Myrrh?

As we come into adulthood, I find that Christmas holds some disappointment to us. We are so excited as kids, to have Santa come. The magic of the season is wonderful. We make out lists to send to Santa, hoping that we have been good while he "sees us while we're sleeping, and knows when we're awake". I remember my mother packing us up in the car and driving us to the post office to "mail" our letters to Santa. And looking out our frosted windows for a little red glowing nose in the winter nigth sky. Could swear I saw it once...

But as I have become and adult, the season has lot some of its magic for me. It is due to the over spending and the red and green decor through out the malls. And I think there is a bit of me, that still wants the big jolly elf to visit on Christmas Eve. To have a surprise under the tree.

And now, as I ponder the season and what it hold for us as adults, it occurs to me that maybe Mary got a little frustrated too. Here she was, about to give birth to the Savior of the world, and she is given a barn to labor in. She traveled by donkey. (I am quite sure that was not a comfort to her!) And as she was in her pains of labor, she is interrupted by people that don't speak her language and she is given Myrrh. I can't help but think that she just looked at those "wise" men and said "Myrrh? Really? Gee, I always wanted myrrh!"

So now, I try to reflect on the birth of my Savior. This season means re-birth. A new beginning. And while I am sure that Mary wasn't quite as cynical as I am.... I learned a lesson from her. Things are hard. We are asked to do difficult things in this life. And we go through dark times. But I know that in the end of it all, the Son comes. And it is this time of year, more than ever.. that we let Him in.

I hope people love me anyway...

I got this idea from my friend Lisa Lewis. I hope she doesn't mind if I take it....

We all have quirks, and I think it is healthy to review them every once in a while ;) So if you read this, I challenge you to list 6 of YOUR quirks and then blog it!

1. I hate bare feet. And when I say "hate", I mean with every fiber of my being. If I happen to sit down next to someone with no socks or shoes on, I move the farthest away I can get without looking like I hate the person. :) I don't dislike the person, I just don't want to accidentally get swiped by their feet. And if I do... well... I have a moment where I have to close my eyes, and take a deep breath. ( I am sure I have to go see a therapist about this) And there have been some billboards with bare feet on them. I have to not look and speed past them. EW! Who thought of this??? You can only imagine what water parks do to me...

2. I always read the last page of a book. ALWAYS. I have to know that it ends well before I read it. I get a lot of flack from friends over this, but I still do it. And probably will do it for the rest of my life.

3. I am VERY crabby when I am hungry or tired. You can ask any of my 3 brothers. There have been many conversations with them that end in "Tara, call me back when you have eaten/slept." (poor guys!)

4. My bed has to be made before I can sleep in it. If I have ran out the door at the beginning of the day with out making the bed, then I have to make it when I get home, or before I get in it at bed time. It is so silly, I know. But... it is what I do.

5. I have 3 types of shampoo & conditioner in my shower at all times. I read some where when I was 14 or 15 that you shouldn't use the same brand of hair products all the time, or your hair will get used to it, and it won't be as effective. And I got a little obsessed with that idea, and I don't use the same brand 2 days in a row.

6. If I get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom or to get a drink or open a window... I jump onto my bed from about 3 feet away. Why? You ask? I am scared that something is under my bed. Oh yes, I am quite honest about that. I have done it since I was young. And since I still sleep alone there isn't anyone to laugh at me--I still jump. But one day, it will be very funny to someone!

Baby, It's cold outside

this is the result of my Winter Wonderland Storm from the post before.... thought you'd like to see what I was talking about. Though it didn't help with the "christmas spirit" problem. But it is beautiful!

Deck the freakin' halls already!

It is Christmas time. Sadly, I have not caught the "Christmas" spirit. For some reason, for the last few years, it takes me a bit to hop on the train with that. I have had Christmas music playing in the car for the past few days, I have tried to go Christmas shopping, and I walk into the stores and just wander around looking at things and not seeing anything that I want to get for any family member. I am usually so good at that... having so many ideas for brothers. And this year I am excited to have a new 'sister' to buy for. But even that is difficult.
It is snowing out today. We have huge white flakes falling from the sky. As much as I hate snow, it is beautiful out side. It looks like a winter wonder land. I hope this gets me more in the mood. Because am running out of time!

Let the music and magic move you...

I ran across a song the other day that has moved me so much that I cannot stop listening to it. I listen to it over and over again. And each time it deeply moves me. (if you want to take a listen, click on the word "song")

It is also amazing to me how some things in life can make your soul yearn for something intangible. Or makes you feel like you just added something more to your life-- to make it richer.

I also love how things in life that surprise you.. can also also deeply move your soul. I was driving someone to a restaurant here in the valley last night. And as I turned off the road, onto the long drive--every tree trunk on the way up the quarter mile drive was covered with white twinkling Christmas lights. I have to say it was like magic to me. It was such a lovely thing to behold. It was really magical to me. And so beautiful. I think I might want to drive back there, just to see it again.

I think it is the "little things" in life is what makes it worth living. Songs that take your breath away, and lights that make you feel like magic still exists.

Life....

How long have I been in this storm?

So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

Water's getting harder to tread

With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you Everything would be allright

If I'd see you this darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water

And you will catch me if I fall

And I will get lost into your eyes

And know everything will be allright

And know everything is allright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown

So why am I ten feet under and upside down

Barely surviving has become my purpose

Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you

Everything would be allright

If I'd see you This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water

And you will catch me if I fall

And I will get lost into your eyes

And know everything will be allright

And I will walk on water

And you will catch me if I fall

And I will get lost into your eyes

And know everything will be allright

And know everything is allright

Everything is allright

Everything is allright

Scratch and Dent Section....

I decided on Sunday, that I would give the "older" single adult ward a try. Wow.. what an eye opener that was. I feel like I have just been to the "scratch and dent" section of the Single Adults.

I have to say that I enjoyed Relief Society. And Sunday school was okay. It was odd to see the men file it with grey hair and bald heads. (not that that matters to me, it doesn't) And then by that time I had talked my cousin Calli into coming with me. So I have to just give you the conversation that occurred in Sacrament meeting. Paragraph form just wouldn't do it justice.

Me: How was Coldplay last night?

Calli: So awesome!
Man in row in front: Hey, I am trying to prepare for the sacrament

Me: (after the shock wore off my face) You found the chapel okay?

Calli: Yes. It was easy to find. Wonder why Matt thought it was west of state street.
Man in front of us: You shouldn't be talking about that right now. What would Elder Oaks say?

Me & Calli: (whispers) Oh my gosh!! (giggles)

Man in front of us: Shut up!

Me & Calli: (giggles)

Man in front of us: Shut your mouth! (puts earplugs in his ears)

At this point Calli and I got up and moved to the back of the chapel. A guy then sat down next to me and while putting his elbows on his knees during the Sacrament prayer... apparently forgot the logistics of where HIS actual knees were, and put his arm on MY knee. And then kept it there for the remainder of the meeting. Only to sit up half way through the talks and whisper to me:

"I just finished the Book of Mormon. It took me 10 months. I just wanted someone else to share in my 'yahoo' moment." And then promptly went back to forgetting where my personal boundaries were. I wasn't sure if he was looking for a thumbs up from me or if he thought his reward for finishing the Book of Mormon, was to use the right side of my body as his leaning tree.

Honestly, I did not make any of these stories up. I am not that good.

I am completely and irrevocably in love with Edward...

Okay, I would like to officially give my "review" of Twilight. First let me start by saying that there were a couple of things that I didn't LOVE about the movie, but over all I did love it. In fact, I loved it so much, I saw it twice... yesterday. Within 3 hours of each other.

I was very nervous about the actor that they chose to play Edward. I mean, I have been (not even secretly) in love with Edward Cullen for over a year now. I mean... really in love with him. To the point where I had to go through relationship detox after the 4th book, just to make it through the rest of my day. I had to put the pictures of he and I away... the music that reminded me of him...the... PHEW... okay moving on...

But I have to say even when he walks into the cafeteria for the first time, I was still on the fence about Robert playing my beloved Edward. But the first time he looks at Bella with the newly golden eyes and smiles. I was done. It was my Edward there on the screen. And he looked good. I mean .... really good.

There were times in the movie where I thought, "this isn't what I wanted to see... where is the intense glances? Where is the ... TOUCHING!? There was not enough touching for me. In the books there was the handholding... the being close always because they couldn't stay away from each other. And honestly if I walked out of that theater with only the one kiss. Someone was going to get a very nasty email. :) But I was not let down at the end there was another kiss... but I wish there were more. Like, do we remember the kiss Edward gave Bella just before they went up the mountain for baseball? The one that he had her pinned against the Jeep and she almost passed out? Where was THAT kiss?

Yes, I am going to see it again.

Wicked awesome friends

There is something very tender about becoming reacquainted with old friends. I feel like it fills in little gaps or perhaps, just cracks that our life has had during our times apart.

I have been forever grateful for the friendships that I share with others. I have had some rough spots in my life, and I have had amazing friends that have lifted me in those times of sorrow or grief.

I am also grateful for those friends that were there when I was happy, and they shared in my joy. And most of the time, made me laugh harder than I was to begin with.

I find that these people have been my "tender mercies" for the majority of my life. Though it has only been 31 years.

If I can borrow the lyrics to a song from a play that I adore to sum up this post:

"It well may be

that we may never meet again

in this lifetime

so let me say before we part

so much of me

is made of what I learned from you

you'll be with me

like a hand print on my heart

and now what ever way our stories end

I know you've rewritten mine

by being my friend...

Who can say if I've been change for the better

because I knew you

I've been changed for good"

I am blessed. And I know that for sure.

Shut up and drive...

Just so you know, shopping for a car is hard! It is one of the hardest things, ever! Sheesh! You have to do all of the research, and then you have to find what you are looking for. And then you have to check the Internet and see if what you want exists. And then you have to go to the dealer. And when you get to the dealer.. this is what the price tag looks like. THERE IS NOTHING ON IT! So then you have the squirmy car salesman come out and try to tell you that they have the best deal in town. And then you see the car, and it is NOTHING like what you told them you wanted. And when you tell them that you will "under no circumstances go over" a certain price... they always will show you one that is at least $3,000 more than what you just told them not 4 minutes ago. Where do these people come from? And then you start to doubt that what you want maybe isn't really out there. And so it goes. Over the course of one week, I have checked almost every website that sells used cars, and gives information on the stats of the cars. And I think I am starting to go silently crazy over the whole things.

And so sometimes, I wish I could just find a car, get in.. and....shut up and drive.

G'head, bite me!

So for a few months now I have anticipated the arrival of Twilight, the movie. And my days are getting closer and closer. November 21, 2008.

It is so funny how I ended up reading these books! My aunt gave them to me, and I thought-"there is no WAY I am going to read books about vampires!" But slowly I came to the realization that when I came home for Christmas, she was going to ask me about them. And I started book one Twilight. AndI was hooked! I could not put the book down. And before I had read the end of the book, I had bought the other 2 in the series so that I didnt' have to wait when I was done. And then... I finished them. All 3! And I LOVED them. I mean... the way that I love Mr. Darcey. Edward Cullen. Wow, what a vampire. I mean.. I was wrapped up so deep into these silly stories, that I felt like I had broken up with a boyfriend when I was done reading.

And then came word of the 4th book. And I was at the midnight relase of Breaking Dawn. Along with all the 14 year olds. But at 12:02 on August 2nd, I had the last "Edward" book in my hands.

And so, I am feeling a bit sad at the thought that the series is now done, and all that I have left is to watch the movie. But I will be there... again, with all the 14 year olds. I do love me some Edward Cullen.

G'day Mate!

.

This is Jai. She is very dear to me. I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to get a phone call all the way from Perth Australia, just to tell me hello. And the calls always come at really great times. We are two of a kind, and I am so grateful that she and I are friends. She is very dear to me, even is she does talk like a bloody Australian!

I'll be home for ..... always.

(sigh)

The holiday season is upon us. The leaves have fallen off the trees, and I hear the constant sound of the heater on in the house-- the weather is getting cold. I don't mind the cool weather, but I hate snow. (read the before posted "I've got the white stuff").

This Christmas is going to be so different. I will be gaining a sister-in-law quite soon, and now one of my brothers will be spending time with her family. And I am so excited for him. Just sad that he is not going to be with the rest of us. I have been nervous for that day to come, and here we are.

I do so love the holidays though. This is the first time in a few years that I will be here for Thanksgiving. It will be so nice to NOT have to make dinner this year. SO nice. I am really looking forward to it. I will miss my friends. It was fun to have them all over for dinner. And we all usually went out to a movie after. I'll miss that this year.

More tricks than a treat...

I never did enjoy Halloween. Well, that isn't entirely true. When I was a kid I loved it. The candy, and going house to house with my parents and younger brother. I liked coming up with costumes that no one else had. And I was usually successful! Some years I was a hobo. That was fun!
But as I have gotten older, the thought of Halloween makes me almost ill. I think it takes the fun out of it, when you are an adult with no children. Usually you are invited to a party where you are supposed to "dress up". And people come with fake blood dripping out of their mouths, and on to their shirt that has been ripped to shreds, for heaven knows why. And the women? Well they show up in costumes that are showing a lot more skin than they usually show. Something with a lot cut top, and a very short skirt.
At what point did we decide that when Halloween came around, we would dress up as the dregs of humanity? What happened to dressing up as a ghost? Or a Doctor? Or what about a cowboy? I feel that good natured humor is completely lost on this holiday. Now all that remains are haunted houses, warehouses, and any other building that can be haunted. It gives me the creeps.

Someday, When I'm feeling Blue...

I have decided that the word "someday" is the worst word ever.

As a kid your mom would say "someday you'll be big enough." And you would get so frustrated that it wasn't tomorrow that you could do what ever it was that you wanted to do.

And then when you are a bit older... double digit age... we would hear "Someday, we'll know why..." It would have been in science or history. And you would get frustrated because you wanted to know NOW.

And now that I am in early adulthood, the word "someday" has the meaning of.. "someday, your time will come". Or "someday, you'll have what you have been waiting for." And right now, it is the "someday, you'll find your husband." And "someday, you'll have kids" Or "someday, you'll have a home that you call your own."

But all of this teaches us patience. Of which, I don't have much! And we work and we plan... so that when the "someday" comes, we are ready for it. Though I still don't know if I have reached the "big enough" stage of my life!

So for now... Someday, I'll have what I wait till the end of the movie for.

I want to run to stand still... does that work?

The time has come for me to get into shape. I don't think I can explain how hard this is for me! I have a lot of work to do! And as much as I have done pretty well on my own with this task, I need to do better. So thinking that I would do myself a favor, I hired a personal trainer. Her name is Brooke. (though there are a few other names that I call her in my head as she puts the incline up on my treadmill)

I always thought the people on the Biggest Loser were so silly when they would throw up on the treadmill. Now I know why they do! It is funny what you have to do to get your body back the way it was 10 years ago, when it took you such a short time to get it OUT of shape.

Though this is going to be a good thing for me, there is a lot of running up hills, free weights, scales and .... swearing.... ahead. I am sure of it!

My one true love...

I feel like I need to be clear on this blog. I love love LOVE Rascal Flatts. I have been to 6 concerts in 4 years. I have even... brace yourself... met them in person. I think I will never forget that moment in my life. What an absolute thrill! I loved it. I also have every song recorded by them...

They also have a new album coming out October 28th.

Let me give you an example of how much I absolutely love them. Each time they relase an album they give different "versions" of the CD to different stores. So in essence, there is about 3 or 4 different CD's out there. Make no mistake, I buy every single one. I make the rounds to each of the stores. So to be clear-- I have 3 versions of Feels Like Today. I have 4 versions of Me & My Gang. And I have 5 versions of Still Feels Good. And I want you to know, that I dont' feel bad about any of it! It is my happy place. What's yours?

A Write off...

So.. I have decided that I am jealous of those that are talented writers. I have this blog, and I get my thoughts across-- usually. But I love to read those blogs; that captivate you into wanting to know the person better.

I envy those that can look at the world through eyes that find normal mundane things interesting. Every day things, and then are able to not only tell others about what they saw or did, but to make the reader feel like they wish THEY had that same experience. Usually we call those people "authors". They share their talent with the world. And some of us are lucky enough to call these people "friends". And only we are the lucky ones that read their blogs.

So from this lesson that I have just taught myself, I am going to learn to look at things through eyes that find life.. worth paying attention to. And I am hoping one day, I will experience "carrot pee". Just so that I can say "I know"...

Picture me perfect... please?!

I have decided, that finding that "right" picture to put on profiles(i.e. Facebook, MySpace, Blogspot), is absurd. No really, it is. I don't often take photos with friends. Because, when you reach a certain age, we don't like to be reminded that there is a good chance that the same picture that you just took, is more than likely, floating around out there already with you in it. Only we're 23, and look so much better! It would have been before the color drained out of our lips, because we are getting older. Or before we started wearing "loafers". You know, the ones you slip on when you are going out the door-- because heaven forbid we bend over to tie our shoes anymore. It is more than likely we'll throw our back out.

So yes, it is difficult to find pictures anymore of myself that I think-- "Hmm, I don't look half bad in this!" And so regrettably, you are all stuck with a dorky picture of me, with no color in my lips, and glasses because I couldn't read the screen when I was trying to upload the damn thing!

zzzzZZZZzzzzz

I love sleeping in on Saturday mornings. Somtimes I can just lay in my bed until 11 if I wanted. I have such a warm, comfy bed. Lots of pillows and just.. a yummy bed!

Do you know what else I love? EARPLUGS! Oh yes, if there are kids in the house, they don't seem to look at the clock when they get their little bodies out of thier beds. And usually MY clock says something in the hour of 6am. That is way too early for a saturday morning. So I highly recomend earplugs to just about anyone :)

so.. the conclusion of this post? Comfy beds= $300. Earplugs= $4.99. Saturday morning in the bed with the earplugs= priceless.

Hollywood, Schmollywood...

I am so abosolutely TIRED of hearing about Brad and Angelina. No really.... it is to the point where it ruins my fun while watching any of the Ocean's movies-- Because Brad is in it.

Who cares if those 2 have any more kids?! Who cares if they adopt, or just plain have more?

She has a new movie out.. and what does Matt Laur ask her? "So, you look great. Any plans for more?" Seriously!? His wife just had a baby new baby last year, did anyone ask him if they were going to have more? I think most of what Brangelina do is.. nice. Most of those kids were orphans, and needed the love of a family. So let them be.

Honestly, does no one remember Mia Farrow??

I'm falling for Autumn...

Autumn is FINALLY here. Warm lovely days, and chilly nights. It is my favorite time of year. Of course, I love spring too. The melting of the before-mentioned- snow. :(

I love the shopping for new sweaters. And long sleeved shirts. I love the crisp feel of the air in the evening. It feels SO wonderful in contrast to the warm weather of the afternoon.

I love the hot tea in the morning. And hot chocolate in the night time. Warm fires, and the smell of them in the air at night, as everyone has lit a fire in thier homes to do all the things I have mentioned before.

I love Thanksgiving. And I love the colors that the mountians turn this time of year. And I love knowing that Christmas is on its way!

Yup! Autumn is the best time of year...

I've got the white stuff....

I hate snow. I don't like to ski. I don't like to watch it fall. I don't like the smell of it.

I have lived in Connecticut for almost 7 years and before that I lived in Utah. And before that I lived in Chicago.. ALL PLACES HAD SNOW. Some worse than others. But all places helped me develop this loathing for snow.

so the purpose of this post is.... it is snowing today. I feel like it is a bit early for snow. Being Oct. 11 and all. But.. none the less, it is snowing. So get out your sweaters and coats. Because the white stuff never asks permission before falling.

Hardly Keeping my Eyes Open...

I am SO tired these days. I have started a new work out regimen. So I am in the gym almost every night.

My kids got home from Europe 3 days ago, and keep waking up at 5 am. Needless to say... I'M TIRED! And since I have a 2 year old home with me all day-- there is no time for a nap. (He used to take one, but now is off his schedule!)

So for now, sleep evades me... and I am longing for some dark circle under eye cream!

Merryment and speed!

Today, I had one of the best times I can remember having. I have great brothers. They care, and they love me. And it means the world to me.

We went to Park City and rode the Alpine Slide and the Alpine Coaster. SO FUN! It was so great. so of course I had to take the camera and take pictures. Now we only need the little Blake-ster to get home so that we can start the fun with him too!
But I'll take 2 out of the 3 for now... until a mission comes to and end. :)

A light from within

I have been thinking a lot about this roller coaster that I am now calling my life :)

I have had many valleys and many mountains in my lifetime. I have lost a lot. a lot. But have gained so much more. There are times, when I can just step outside my "box" and realize that I have been so blessed. I have a Heavenly Father that truly is in control. And I know, I KNOW, that he is aware of my sorrows, and I know He celebrates in my successes and joy.

No matter where I am in my journey there is someone that is looking out for me. And there are more on the other side of the veil that celebrates with me.

I have found my peace with a lot that has weighed on my heart. I have found the place in my life for those heartaches. I have learned from them, and feel my own strength from within while I get past them.

I am so looking forward to the next chapter of my life. I know that there is a path for me, and I feel like I have my flash light for the path ahead. I have my light.

Home is where your heart is...

I went "home" for 4 days. And it was so great. I just love love love the Pags. ( I heard from a children's book once, that if you say something 3 times, you really really really mean it...)

I got to snuggle with my Madeleine, and hang with my Alex. I love that Dorothy and I are such close friends, and that Chris is like an older brother to me. I love love love that family.

And FRIENDS... I miss them so very much. What a great time to just sit and laugh. My boys came to the airport... and my girls went to lunch. I have been very blessed with friends.

And now I am back in Utah, and I know that this is where I belong. and I know that this is where I am meant to be. But it is such a warm thought of visiting Connecticut often.

I don't know much...

Only when one falls, does one truly look up.

I had a rough Sunday. You see, I had to sit alone at church. And anyone that knows me, know that that is very difficult for me. I hate to be alone. I hate not knowing people. And that is where my life is now.

When I was told to come to Utah, I jumped. I jumped off of the proverbial cliff, not knowing what was at the bottom. Sometimes I still feel like I am free falling :) But I did it! And I am here... and things are pretty good. I am starting to acclimate myself. And I never thought I would be doing this at 31, but I am.

But when we get in these "ruts" in life, we really have the opportunity to reevaluate our blessings. We realize what we truly have in out lives. And what things really make us happy. Who we truly are, and what we are.

We are children of Heavenly Father, and that all we need to know, right?

Can you hardly stand it?!

I am headed back to my "home" for 4 days. I am really looking forward to it. Sometimes all you need to recharge your batteries, is to have a 9 year old so excited to see you.

I still get a regular phone call from my Mad. I look forward to it every day. It is such a great smile-maker! She is so great. "we are best friends, you know!" How can that NOT make you smile.

I don't have my own kids now, but I can't imagine loving a child more than I love that little girl!

Laughter, the best medicine.

Sometimes we go through our lives much too serious. We forget to laugh, & let go of the silly little things that get us wrapped around an axle. We forget how it is to laugh so hard that our sides hurt-- to just let go of what is weighing us down. It could be a bad day, or just a bad stage in our lives.

So, remember to laugh. And laugh with those that we are with. Be happy.

This is Lucas, he makes me laugh.

beds are red...

I have a new bed.. for my new room. And it makes me happy. So I wanted to share...

Crisp Autumn Air

I can feel fall coming on. I love love love fall. It such a beautiful time of year with the colors. I do however mourn the passing into winter. That season... I HATE!! Yuck.

Nothing will compare to New England fall. It is stunning. But being up in the mountains of Utah, might just make the sadness of missing a New England fall a little more bearable. :)

Moving on...

Here I am!! A week into my new job. And I have to say that I like it. It is easy going and stress free. But running after a 2 year old is a lot of work. I go to bed very tired every night. He demands a lot of attention. :)

It is fun to be close to brothers. They are both within an hour of each other either way. And I have family close. though-- I have not been to see any of them yet.

It is amazing to me how well I am looked after from Heavenly Father. He really has made this move easy. He knew it would be hard for me... so he put things in my path that make this an easy move. I am blessed.

Tears and Sadness

Okay, so seeing that I am totally out of tears now!-- I am in UTAH! I don't think there have been many things in my life that were harder than saying goodbye to the Pags. WOW... that was so difficult. I had good kids. As much as sometimes I struggled with them, and fought with them... they are good kids. And I love them and will miss them so very much. It is a good thing I am coming back in September. WOW.... I think I would have come completely unglued if that were not the case.

Here I am in Utah... while my heart still resides in Connecticut.

And dear Mother, I remind me of you...

I turned 31 today.

I often think what my mother would have said on a day like this. Turning 31, not married. Not dating anyone. I wonder if she would be disappointed. Or if she would understand. I wonder if she would be in awe of what I have gone through in the course of 7 years and come out as well as I did.

I wonder if we would have lunch like we used to on my birthday. We would sit and talk. About anything really. School, work, and things going on at church or just.. about music or a movie. I was just about to turn 23 when she died. This will be my 8th year without her. And yet, some days I can still hear her laughter in the back of my memory. I can see what she looks like. I can see her eyes. I can actually see her eyes every time I look in the mirror. I sometimes wonder if she misses things about me. And I wonder whose loss was greater? Hers or mine? I live my life here without a mother to call and chat with, and she lives a life on the other side of a veil without her daughter. So, who's loss is greater?

I have a whole new beginning this birthday. And I wonder what 31 will bring.

Love means all things sparkly...

So.. last night I had such a great surprise! I had fireworks on my birthday. So great... so fun! Wonderful! I had just a great night. It is how you know that you are loved. It is things like that-- that make things great in life. I know that it is time to move and I know it is time to have new challenges for myself. New environment, and just... come into my own. It is time to face old demons and get past one.

And most of all... it is time to remember that I had my own fireworks on my birthday.

things I'll miss

This is probably one of the cutest things ever!! I had to post it...

It's so easy loving green...

Do you know my favorite color? It's green. I love love love green. (I read once if you say something 3 times, you really really really mean it!) and do you know what color I see when I look out the window here in my lovely Connecticut? GREEN!! I am going to miss that more than I can say. But I am lucky-- where I am moving to.. it is up on the mountain. And there are beautiful trees there too. Along with an amazing view of Salt Lake. I feel like that is kind of a blessing... that way I don't miss Wilton as much as I could.

I am coming back to Wilton on the 20th of September. WOO HOO!! I am glad.. Madeleine's birthday is the 20th and she said all she wanted was for me to be here. So.. back on a plane I go. Only-- she doesn't know! I love the Pags!

a donkey on the edge...

I have 2 weeks left and I feel ... anxious, sad, lonely, upset, excited, nervous. ALL AT THE SAME TIME!! I can't sleep at night because I feel so anxious. And then the next day I am physically and emotionally and mentally exhausted. I can't imagine what it will be like to have this over with! I am so sad to leave here.. but on the other hand I just want to start because I just need to mentally "regroup".

I am realizing that the past few posts on here have been a bit of sadness and complaining. :) sorry...

I am really looking forward to just being in Utah. And having family around. I am looking forward to having a new ward.. and meeting new people. I am looking forward to a new area, and new kids.

I am looking forward to having a temple close and not having to drive into NYC to go. :)

I am looking forward to sleeping at this point!!

When will I find MY "Edward"?

Breaking Dawn-the final instalment of the Twilight series- has been released. I remember thinking, back in January, that I couldn't wait until I could find out if Bella really does marry Edward. And if he really does bite her. And here I am-- I know the answers to both of those questions. :) (promise, no spoilers!)

It is odd how at the age of almost 31, I have just become completely smitten with a fictional character. Not only that, but a vampire. I hate vampires! But here I am! completely in love with one. I tease my friends that he was meant for me... and someday, my Edward will come. (sigh)

I have 2 1/2 weeks left here in the Pagliaro household. I finally broke down and bought boxes. They are nicely leaning against my wall-- with nothing in them. I am just waiting for that damn packing fairy to come and fill them. But someone told me that they don't exist. Which, by the way, is not fair! Sometimes a girl just needs a fairy! :)

I have started to say good bye to friends... and that is hard dang it! I don't like it. But it makes it a bit easier to think that they are from Utah, and it is just a matter of time before we run into each other. THANK GOODNESS. Saying goodbye isn't my idea of a good time.

So close my blog today with...

Goodbye my dear sweet Edward. And goodbye to my dear sweet friends...

Off to where the Greek gods live...

So I accepted a job in Mt. Olympus, UT. 3 kids... 2, 4 & 5. To say the least== I'll have my hands full.

The mother is french Canadian and the father is from Finland and speaks Swedish. and the kids speak all of it! so I will be the English speaker in the house!

It will be so different.. but I am really looking forward to the challenge and to the new area.

I went to visit the family and get to know the kids over this past weekend. I think I am going to be just fine. Nice home, and nice family.

Utah... who would have guessed!?